I debated whether to write this post for a while now because I thought I would write it once it had a happy ending; however, that “happy” ending hasn’t come. I’ve realized though, that I’m OK with it.
I had some fertility troubles when trying to have my son (back in 2012). I was married in July of 2011 only to be met 6 months later with a Crohn’s disease diagnosis. Let me tell you, it sucked! A LOT! I was pretty sick for the first half of 2012. Here, I was a newlywed expecting to enjoy my first year of marriage, and instead, I was in and out of the hospital with a husband who worked an unaccommodating schedule in law enforcement.
Once I turned the corner in the second half of 2012, I decided I wanted to try to have a baby. It took us several months, but we were successful! James Ryder was born in August 2013. My Crohn’s had been (and still is) in control and life was good.
In October 2014, we decided maybe it was time to try for baby #2. I wasn’t sure I was quite ready, but hey, are you ever really ready for another baby?!
I remember thinking I would be pregnant by Thanksgiving 2014–HA! I tried to be laid back about it, but I started to feel tense as the months rolled by with no luck. I have very abnormal cycles, so it was pretty obvious that things weren’t going to happen very easily. During this time, we were building a house and attempting to clean/pack up (rather unsuccessfully I might add) our current home to be rented.
I decided in April of 2015 to see my doctor for some cramping I had been having on my right side. Much to my surprise, I had a positive pregnancy test at this visit. I was told it was a faint positive and not to get my hopes up. Pretty exciting, huh? Hey, you’re pregnant, but don’t get excited because it’s probably not going to happen.
I remember feeling unsure as to how I should react. Do I tell my husband right away? Do I make it special? Instead, I told him once we were both home in a not very exciting way. We cautiously celebrated knowing I would go back 2 days later for blood work to see if my HCG levels were doubling. I kept picturing a new little baby at Christmas time and how it was a crazy time to be moving and pregnant, but I was happy.
One week later I had a miscarriage. It’s amazing how your emotions can be after only knowing you’re pregnant for 1 week. I felt so disappointed, and most of all, I could see how much it saddened my husband. There is nothing worse than hearing from a man who shows little to no emotion, who is strong all the time, who handles bad news in his job on a daily basis, that he is bummed.
Fast forward to fall 2015 when we started seeing a fertility doctor. He determined that I needed to have surgery on my uterus due to an isthmocele (damage from my c-section). I first said, an isthmo-what? Nothing worse than being naked in a doctor’s office and being told you need surgery while you’re alone. So based on his recommendation, I had surgery in November 2015, which then required 3 months of recovery until we could “try” again.
February 2016 I took Femara to ovulate, which worked! However, I did not get pregnant. I then decided, I need to take some time off. It sort of feels like quitting right now, but I mentally need a break. I think back to the fact that I started this in October 2014, and it’s now March 2016. Sure, when I start drinking a couple glasses of wine I get a little teary eyed thinking of how we don’t have another baby yet (damn you red wine!), but I also feel very OK with it.
I turn 31 this May, and I know I still have time. I have decided to try to focus on my wonderful, crazy toddler who requires my attention and love. I have realized this is a big year for me to take a step back and enjoy what I have. Stop trying to “improve” things. Just enjoy. I’m trying to find more time for me and my husband to go on dates and take Jay to the park or the zoo.
So, while this story doesn’t have the “happy” ending I had anticipated, I feel happy. I learned that happiness doesn’t mean always trying to one up your current situation. I love my boys and know that whatever is meant to be, will be.